It is fellowship season again. I was so relieved last year when I decided not to apply to anything, mostly because the process just takes so much out of me and, to be honest, I hate to bother my committee about anything. I kind of regret it this year since I feel a little bit at loose ends. But now that the end (my PhD) seems a lot nearer than it did just this past summer before I finished the first draft of a dissertation chapter, I actually feel compelled to go through the application process. For one thing, I saw my committee chairs recently and they knew and seemed to approve of my decision to apply (and thus they know to expect to write some letters). For another, since I have made some headway into the dissertation, I feel more confident about my dissertation plan and my work's significance in various fields.
Yet...well, applications are still difficult for me. Like I wrote a couple of years ago, writing about my work for one of these fellowships makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Maybe it is because I feel really invested in a lot of this work, and I hate the feeling that a rejection is a rejection of me as a person, kind of the way some students feel that getting anything less than an A is a personal judgment call on the part of the teacher. I simply have to get over this, I know. Unfortunately, I don't think I developed enough of a thick skin while I was in grad school, especially since I did relatively well in the classes I took during my first two years. Perhaps moving away after coursework was more like running away, even though I don't regret the move; I am -- we are -- so much happier living and working here. (I do miss going to school regularly, however, and I wish I could teach at least one more class before getting my degree. Oh well.)
Anyway, I am venting just a little here so that I can get it out of the way before I go back to work on my research statement and plan. If I don't come back for a while, happy Autumn to you, my dear few readers!
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