Re-Energized

Last week I attended a double-header talk on the topic of "Queer Temporalities" by Bliss Lim and Kara Keeling (part of the Mellon Sawyer Seminar series). Both presentations were really provocative and rich, topped off by a superb reading of both projects by the discussant, Grace Hong. Keeling spoke of Afro-futurism and the nature of speculation involved in speculative fiction versus that in capitalism, while Lim spoke of queer time and what she calls "camp time." (I also noted that both were very deft in their use of audio/visual media equipment, which is usually where a lot of talks that I have seen falter performance-wise. I suppose it makes sense since they are Film professors.)

It was the first academic thing I have done this year besides reading for my dissertation, and I was doubly excited because I was able to do it without the kid. It felt like old times -- especially since I went to the event with JFC, a good friend and former classmate from my M.A. cohort, and saw there another old friend as well as a favorite former professor of mine who was gracious as always.

While the talks only had an indirect bearing on the work I am doing, they still made the wheels start turning. Sometimes, just the heady intellectual atmosphere of these kinds of lectures can function as lubricant for my brain's rusty gears. The occasionally gorgeous ways in which a speaker puts words together into a thrilling thought can send me spinning into a different and productive mode of thinking. Moreover, the absence of my child allowed me to listen and process without having to multitask; multitasking apparently negatively impacts the quality of our performance, particularly for adults. The cherry-on-top was that I was given a couple of leads on possible texts to examine for my dissertation, which I very much appreciated.

I remember feeling very warm in the room during the talks, and JFC, having felt cold instead, suggested that my heightened excitement was causing hot flashes. Ha! But anyway, it has been a long time since I had regular access to a research campus, and I am very glad that my reaction to the talks was one of excitement and inspiration. In other words, I am glad that I still find some joy in academic culture, jaded as I have become in the process of dissertating and learning about the job market. Indeed, the excitement from the talk bled into heightened enthusiasm for my own reading (though Mary Niall Mitchell's book was already wonderful). I would attend more such events, but the rather major drawback is that it is very time-consuming given the amount of driving/travel time it takes for me to get to campus. Alas. But I have come back to my TBR pile with a renewed energy and sense of purpose.

Good News

I have some exciting news to share academic-wise.

To preface, April was a pretty incredible month in general: it was my birthday month and the dh really outdid himself with the thoughtfulness of his gifts; and at the end of the month we had a really great, fun vacation road trip to visit a friend at the University of Wyoming and some family in Utah.

On top of that, however, and this is the news I want to share, I found out that I was awarded a dissertation fellowship by the AAUW for next school year. (!!!)

I was totally flabbergasted, especially after getting an outright rejection just a few days earlier from the other fellowship that I applied for. This earlier rejection had demoralized me so much that I was absolutely expecting another rejection from the AAUW. In fact, only the day before I was notified about the AAUW fellowship, I was telling a friend that I was seriously thinking of leaving academia after I finished my dissertation, and that I would need a HUGE sign before my feelings would swing back the other way. What a way to tempt fate, right? In part, I guess I was practicing what's called defensive pessimism, so that the impending rejection that I expected wouldn't faze me so much.

Well, fate did not call my bluff, and that huge sign came the next morning in the form of an e-mail notification (which first landed in my Junk box so I didn't even read it until mid-morning), and I was in shock. Of course, there was some drama there as well, since the e-mail didn't have my actual name in it, just a generic "Greetings!" And, being the insecure grad student that I am, I had to wait until the following week for the snail-mailed contract before I could really believe that the e-mail had been sent to the right e-mail address and that it wasn't the universe playing a cruel trick. Indeed, the universe dropped an amazing birthday gift on my lap instead.

Getting this fellowship is obviously a big deal to me since I can now afford to put my toddler in childcare at least part-time this fall and next spring while I write and FINISH the dissertation. But I am particularly happy about the award in a different way as well: I am proud to be chosen by an organization that prioritizes women's issues, and, having looked over some of the past winners' dissertation and postdoctoral project descriptions (at least of those in the humanities and social sciences), I see that the organization respects research on children as well. I also found out that my husband spent one very enjoyable summer as a child learning arts and crafts through a summer class organized by the AAUW chapter in his hometown. What a lovely connection! I am happy to be part of the organization's mission.

And now I'm really looking forward to drafting another chapter in the next couple of months.